Marriage

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Heartwork Mom: Assalamualaikum, this is Heartwork Mom. This is the second ​part, where we're talking a little bit more on the deeper side of heartwork, which ​is to look into our relationship with Allah SWT. First and foremost it has to be the ​prayers.

Both of us have different experience with regards to our prayers. For me, it has ​come to the point in my life where I will question myself, especially when things ​just isn't working out or I'm having really intense emotions or I'm just having kind ​of like a very confusing stage of my life, I will start questioning my prayers.

I will ask, if let's say I'm not missing any, am I delaying them? If I'm not delaying ​them, am I rushing through them? If I'm not rushing through them, then am I ​contemplating on the things that I recite during the prayers? That’s how much ​I'm focusing on the prayers.

How I got to this point, is if I look back at my life then, and I look at my life now, ​it's drastically different. And I think anyone who has returned back to ​maintaining the prayers, would say the same thing, just how much their life has ​changed. Allah just kind of put the pieces together for us, instead of having to ​figure out the puzzle pieces ourselves.

Husband: Assalamualaikum. For me, my experience with solah is that growing ​up, I was taught to maintain them because it's very essential. It was quite ​challenging to maintain all five. But years before I got married, I told myself to ​ensure that I maintain it. I remember this message that says that if you were to ​leave your solah and if you were to not maintain it, it will leave cracks in the ​family.

Heartwork Mom: For me, how I really fell in love with solah, is the story of Isra' ​Miraj. Rasulullah went up to the heavens and the prayers were commanded for ​the first time and at that time was 50 times a day. And then it was Prophet ​Musa AS who told him that it’d be too heavy for the ummah. And that's when he ​kept on going up and keep on reducing it until five. And to think that five is too ​heavy for us sometimes.

So I think just thinking of that and the fact that we are the ummah that Allah ​SWT gave the prayers to. Like we are the special ones that He gave this special, ​one-on-one me time with Him five times a day. You have this time with me. And ​on top of that, we also have those... sunnah prayers, right? Especially the ​Tahajjud.

So I think that's just the beauty of it. When you look at solah in this way, Allah ​saying, come to me, I want to hear what you have to say. And I'm here to answer ​your du’a. How the greatest of them all, the Greatest, the Most Merciful, the ​Most Loving is telling us who are just mere humans: “you have My time”.

Husband: It's important to find the purpose and meaning of prayer. Why do we ​need to do it? For me, the easiest way to see it as a form of saying thank you to ​Allah. During my teenage years, that is something I told myself, that's the least I ​can do. To say thank you to Allah for everything that He has given me. Because ​when I think about it, He has given me a family. He has given me loved ones, ​friends, food. Purpose for me is important.

Heartwork Mom: And if you look at the adhan, the call to prayer equalizes ​prayers = success. Come to prayer, come to success. Come to prayer, come to ​success. Just think about it like if we want success, in our context is marriage, ​how can we have success when we're not fulfilling the prayers? How can we be ​successful as parents, as partners in parenting if we're not fulfilling our prayers? ​So may Allah continue to grant us ease in fulfilling our prayers and let it be the ​one that is holding on to our marriage.

So besides the prayers, the first commandment that Rasulullah SAW was given ​was to read. Iqra, right? Which is to read. And unfortunately, I think with the ​busyness of the current society, it's very hard to read. And with social media ​making all of us highly distractible people, reading becomes...almost like we lose ​that second nature. Unless we practice it, unless we continuously read books ​and read the Quran.

Alhamdulillah, we were brought up in a household of Quran. Our parents recite ​the Quran, they teach us the Quran. And again, Quran, just like the prayers, all of ​us have our own journey with it, right? And how do we go back to it and go ​deeper into it?

So for me, it was during the postpartum period, which is... after we had our ​firstborn, when I was really going through, I would say, a falling apart period of my ​life where everything just seems to be not going the way I wanted and it was just ​a very confusing period of uncertainty.

And when I tried to go into the scientific side of emotional regulation, on mental ​health, on the psychology, just trying to figure out what was it that was ​bothering me. They had some clues, but there were a lot of gaps and there were ​a lot of conflicting theories.

And then I decided that, okay, let's look into the Islamic perspective. What does ​the Quran say? And Alhamdulillah, it is His guidance, right? It is His way of telling ​me to go back to His Book.

And when I went back to the Quran, I think, I'm not sure whether you remember ​this, but there were many moments when whenever I read something and then I ​would text you and I say like, “I can't believe this was written in the Quran”. I ​always thought that it was something you’d find in the psychological research.

The thing about the Quran is that it reflects what Islam is, which is, it's a religion ​of prevention. Like Allah is that loving Creator Who is telling us, His creations, ​don't do this, or this will happen, don't do this, this will happen, but we still do it, ​right? Because of our Nafs and our like curiosity.

You really have to read His words to really know who He is and when you know ​who He is, you will start to think that, how could I even think of not praying? How ​could I even think of not thinking about Him? And how can I even want to go ​about my days without even thanking Him for what He has given.

Husband: Alhamdulillah, we come from a family that has instilled the love of ​Quran in us from a very young age. We weren't super connected with the Quran ​because we all don't really know what's inside the Quran, right? We just know ​this is our holy scripture, we need to learn to read it and all.

I remember my mom telling me that the Quran is actually a love letter from ​Allah. And of course, at that age, we don't really get what that means, right? But ​as you go page by page, verse by verse, it is really like speaking to you.

And I think the beauty of the Quran is also that usually when you just flip it open, ​and sometimes you just start reading, different parts of it, it's almost like it's ​answering questions that you have.

It’s not just a book. It's a soul, it's as an entity itself. And that's why we’re always ​reminded that the Quran will represent you. It will be with you in the grave. And ​it will defend you. Quran will actually be your lawyer and represent you and say, ​and sort of like want to cut down the number of sins and say that this person ​has been reading me during his lifetime.

Heartwork Mom: Even if you've completed the Quran, no matter how many ​times you've completed it, even when you go back to it, there will always be ​something new to learn. That's how amazing it is.

And it is, in fact, one of the most, the most meaningful activity for a couple to ​strive for together. I think for me personally, because I saw how you were really ​into it, that's how I kind of like got into it as well, right? So that's the beauty of the ​Quran as well. It has a ripple effect.

Once someone does it, someone in the household will kind of like get into it as ​well. I mean, I've seen it with my parents. I've seen it in ourselves. And then there ​will be certain surahs that becomes your favorite surahs, right?

Husband: Alhamdulillah, because Yasin itself is referred to as the heart of the ​Quran. And for me, what better way to connect with the whole of the Quran by ​going straight to the heart. And Alhamdulillah, there has been a daily routine for ​me and it's something that I will honestly say that it's hard to go to sleep without ​reciting Yasin.

Knowing the benefits of it, knowing what it does to you, and you can really see ​the effects of it. Different surahs, we know that they have different abilities. ​There's a special meaning to these surahs and how it can help you with different ​parts of your life. If you recite surah Al-Waqiah on a regular basis, it will ​insyaAllah, prevent your family from going through proverty.

Heartwork Mom: So Rasulullah gave the final sermon, he says that he leaves us ​the Quran and the Sunnah. I think most of us somehow grew up with this idea ​that Sunnah means it's not an obligation, it's not a commandment from Allah, so ​we can choose to not follow. But then once we looked into the Sunnah, we’d ​realise that every time we follow it, we actually improve ourselves. Our life ​improves drastically.

And it makes total sense because we are following the way of Rasulullah SAW, ​who is the most perfect of humankind, right?

And when we look at the Sunnah, we’re looking at thousands of hadiths, ​recordings of how to do things, how he did it. And of course, we're looking at the ​authentic ones. And when we look at marriage itself, there's a lot of branches to ​it. But the first thing, if you look at how Rasulullah s.a.w. communicated with ​people and his loved ones, he gave full attention.

Like whoever you are, even if you're a small kid, when you're talking to him, he ​would give full attention. He would look at you face to face, with eye contact, ​and he will not be distracted. He would really listen until you're done.

And I think, let's be honest, a lot of us have issues with that. Because our mind is ​very distracted. We’re thinking about work, we're thinking about the kids, we're ​thinking about that message or that call from this and that, oh, I've not done this. ​And it's something that we have to sort of work on, especially in this modern ​world where distractions are everywhere.

Husband: So that is essential for communication. A good communication to ​start is to ensure that you are listening attentively to your partner and then be a ​good listener, instead of just cutting them off to rush things so that you can ​have your input. To be patient enough to sit and listen to your partner. When we ​listen to our partner as they talk, it’s a form of respect.

And when we don't give them that attention to listen to them, is as good as not ​respecting them. The moment that we feel hurt, we feel hurt because our ​partner is not listening to us. We’d also feel that we don't want to listen to them.

We also want to disrespect them in a sense. Because in relationships, it’s not a ​one-way traffic. It goes both ways. So both are feeling being disrespected. And ​that's when fights and arguments and bickering happens.

Heartwork Mom: Besides arguments and bickering being something that is not ​pleasing to Allah SWT, I think the issue also lies to the fact that the society itself ​has normalised this thing. Normalise making fun of one another in front of other ​people, open up the flaws of your of your spouse during a gathering all this kind ​of stuff.

When you see all these behaviours, what’s beneath those behaviours is just ​feelings of hurt. You're just hurt by your spouse, and hence, you want to do it to ​that him/her too.

It’s painful whenever we encounter and see those moments, because we know ​that what is really underneath those jokes and friendly bickering. May Allah ​protect us.

So communication will be really tested once we have children. Not just during ​the postpartum period where there's a lot of sleep deprivation, uncertainty, and ​not knowing what to do when the child is crying and all that. But it goes ​throughout their entire growth. I've also spoken to moms of teenagers and ​moms of adult children. They still have disagreements with their spouse when it ​comes to parenting the child.

Disagreements can be healthy. It's okay for us to disagree on certain things. But ​how we communicate those agreements is very important. Is it in a very ​judgmental or shaming way of saying that “I'm right, you're wrong”. Is it in a way ​that says “oh, my parenting style is better than yours”?

As a woman, I would have to say that a lot of women, our Nafs, our ego, thinks ​that we’re better at parenting our child. It’s that whole thing where we think that, ​oh, we are the one who gave birth to the child so we should know best.

When it comes to communicating things that we don't agree with, it has to be in ​in safe space, with common ground. That's how we've been doing, Alhamdulillah, ​for the past four years ever since we have our first born.

Whenever there's something that we disagree on, like how we managed a ​particular situation that we were having with our daughter. At night, we will sit ​down and say, “okay, let's run through what just happened”, then we will give ​each other the time to say our POV at that moment.

Because especially when it’s something that happened outside and it was a very ​intense moment, we each have our own point of view, right? It's very important ​that we state what's our perspective because my perspective is definitely going ​to be different from yours and vice versa.

There'll be times when we don't really have a conclusion to what just happened, ​but I think it's just airing out what just happened, when it was something intense, ​that maybe there was frustration on both sides.

Whenever we just keep quiet about something that happened, it just kind of ​builds up. It just snowballs on its own without us knowing, right? And then when, ​let's say, something else happened again, and then either one of us, kind of snap, ​there's that tendency of going back to what happened before that.

So that's why it's very important for us to always air out frustrations that we ​have. I think one of the common sayings is don't ever go to sleep angry, right?

Husband: Yeah. It's good when we have different opinion and perspective it ​there's something that we can learn from one another. It's not a competition of ​who's the better parent. When you focus on the fact that you are, in wrestling ​terms, is like tag team.

Heartwork Mom: Every interaction is important, every interaction builds up on ​the other. We don't realise it, but it is the truth. Over the years, whatever we've ​interacted with one another will build up on its own. And the more positive ​interactions that we have with one another, it reflects on the relationship as well. ​And I think that's the reason why, if you look at it, why Allah SWT has taught us to ​be loving, to be caring, to be the garment for one another.

Because if we are constantly comforting and protecting one another, the love ​grows, it deepens, it strengthens. But if we don't practice what He commands us ​to do, then it becomes the other way around, which is we start hurting one ​another, we start hurting the marriage without even realising it.

For Rasulullah SAW, his interactions were recorded because it's supposed to be ​an example, right? And for us, the moment when we become parents, we are ​literally examples for our children. Whatever we do, whatever we say, is exactly ​what they're going to model after. And we will hear how we sound like on them.

They will be the ones repeating everything we will say. That’s why it’s essential ​for us to remind ourselves on a daily basis that whatever we do, with one ​another as a couple, it reflects love to them.

They will start to see that this is what love means. If Mama and Abah give each ​other time to talk, then I will also learn to give other people time to talk and I will ​talk when it's time. It's not going to be an immediate thing, but we know that ​they are sponges. Children are sponges. They do more of what they see than ​what you tell them to do. And that's why it's so essential that we constantly work ​on the marriage, especially once we have children.

It's hard. One of the main struggles parents have is that we have lesser time for ​one another. Our days are filled with our children’s needs and demands. We’re ​constantly thinking about them. So where does the marriage comes in?

But if we remember that the marriage is actually the foundation of parenting and ​everything else, then we will constantly be working on the marriage. And then, of ​course, the foundation of the marriage is the prayers, the Quran and working on ​the Self.

Husband: When we look at things as a whole, I think we need to look into what ​kind of marriage do we want to have. Do we want to have a happy marriage, ​raising our kids in an environment where they feel safe, where they feel happy?

Or do you want to be in an environment where it's very hostile? Where any form ​of interaction, is just constant bickering and correcting one another. Then ​whatever that's going on is being observed by the kids and they start to mirror ​and that's going to be who they are in the future and that's how they see ​marriage as.

So what kind of marriage do you want to have? How do you envision your family ​to be? And then work towards that.

Heartwork Mom: This dunya is temporary. We're not going to be here forever. ​And this is just a pathway to the eternal life. And when we remember that, we ​realise whatever that we do in the Dunya here is, has to be for a reason, and ​which is to, for the sake of Allah. Lillahi ta'ala.

It has to be for Him. Whatever we want for our marriage, we have to remember ​that it's for His sake. Because He put us together, so He has decreed that we are ​partners. That means we are supposed to be partners in life. And the same thing ​as He put us together as parents, we are supposed to be the parents for this ​child. He chose us to be, we are meant to be the parents for this child.

So how can we be the best version of what He has created us to be?

So I think whenever we have that goal, which is Allah being the center of ​everything, everything makes sense and everything leads to goodness.

So if we want goodness in our life, we want goodness in our marriage, in our ​children's lives as well. I think it all goes down to getting closer to Him as much ​as possible. Every day that He has given us is an opportunity for us to call to ​Him, ask Him, thank Him, and think about Him every moment of our life.

And Alhamdulillah, I feel like when He wants goodness for us, He truly will guide ​us. So if you're listening to this, Alhamdulillah, He has guided you to listen to this. ​And we thank you for listening to our journey so far. We are still learning. We are ​still in our journey. We're not even anywhere close to being perfect.

And first and foremost, whatever that we reflected on is a reminder for ​ourselves as a couple. But may it also be beneficial for you. All good is from Allah ​SWT. All errors are ours. And may Allah SWT bless our marriage, continue to ​guide us, and guide you too. InsyaAllah.